You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
