The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
