Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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