She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
