I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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