Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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