just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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