I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
