his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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