Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
