I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
then he tried to convert me to islam
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
