I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
