im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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