After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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