Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize