This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
