Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
