It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
