Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I need help removing her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
