I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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