you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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