if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
