words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
