A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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