This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
