Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
