I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
