just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
