you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
