Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
