Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
