i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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