if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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