i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
