Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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