yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
