the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
