I cut my penus on the lid.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
