i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
