I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
