My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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