I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
