So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
