genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
