Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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