god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And then he peed in my hair
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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