This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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