Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
