you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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