I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
