The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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