you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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