I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
