A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
