I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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