oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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