WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
