I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
