The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
