Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
