i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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