Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
