Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
