Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize