Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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