checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
