How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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