I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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