At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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