I think im going to throw up on grandma
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
