I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
