i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
