My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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