I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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