I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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