Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
And then he peed in my hair
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