woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
