I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
