I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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