My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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