He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize