So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
