Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You took a bar mat shot.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize